I’m lying on the couch, sleep-deprived, with A on my chest as I write this. I am still in disbelief that I’ve already had a whole month with her. It honestly breaks my heart that the time is passing so quickly; I don’t want to miss a special moment or cuddle.
I can thankfully say that there have been more good days than bad, but I won’t deny how helpless and numb I sometimes feel, or how I don’t quite feel that A is actually my baby (of course, when I bond with her during tummy time, or skin to skin, I know I love her more than anything). Because I have a formal diagnosis of depression, anxiety, and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), I am unfortunately familiar with these feelings. And I am not surprised that they are amplified postpartum. So far, spending time alone in the car rocking out to my favorite songs has been the best remedy.
Attending a Basic Life Support (BLS) recertification class a couple of weeks postpartum was also a good opportunity to clear my mind, spend some time back in a healthcare setting, and socialize. My instructor was impressed that I was so put together so soon, two weeks after delivery.
The breastfeeding journey has been HARD. Jacob and I started supplementing her with formula almost immediately after she was born due to excruciating pain and difficulty getting her to latch. Once we brought A home, she was finally able to latch, but it was still extremely painful. I dreaded feeding time.
Between the pain, depression, and lack of sleep, we switched to primarily bottle-feeding A. I still tried to nurse her, but she refused and cried, and I didn’t want to keep angering her. She also ate a full bottle after every attempted breastfeeding session, so I knew I wasn’t able to provide her with enough milk. I felt so ashamed. My body wasn’t doing what it was meant to. I had worked with multiple lactation consultants over several weeks, and it wasn’t working. I switched to pumping exclusively and was only pumping a few ounces a day. It was so defeating.
I tried nursing A again a few days ago and had some increase in supply, but not a consistent amount. I hope our journey will continue to improve in the coming weeks.
Overall, it has been an absolutely crazy month. I feel stretched to my limits emotionally, but I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. Holding my baby and doing everything in my power to make her feel safe and loved makes me so much more grateful for and connected to my mom. I finally understand the tremendous sacrifices mothers make.
I can’t wait to see how A continues to grow and begin to develop her personality in the coming months, even if it means getting even less sleep and learning to compromise more.