I’m lying on the couch, sleep deprived, with Amara on my chest as I write this. I am still in disbelief that I’ve already had a whole month with her. It honestly breaks my heart that the time is passing so quickly; I don’t want to miss a special moment or cuddle.
I can thankfully say that there have been more good days than bad, but I won’t deny how helpless and numb I sometimes feel, or how I don’t quite feel that Amara is actually my baby, (of course, when I bond with her during tummy time, or skin to skin, I know I love her more than anything). Because I have a formal diagnosis of depression, anxiety, and obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), I am unfortunately familiar with these feelings. and am not surprised that they are amplified postpartum. So far, spending time alone in the car rocking out to my favorite songs has been the best remedy.
Attending a Basic Life Support (BLS) recertification class a couple of weeks postpartum was also a good opportunity to clear my mind, spend some time back in a healthcare setting, and socialize. My instructor was impressed that I was so put together so soon, two weeks after delivery.
The breastfeeding journey has been HARD. Jacob and I started supplementing her with formula almost immediately after she was born due to excruciating pain and difficulty getting her to latch. Once we brought Amara home, she was finally able to latch, but it was still extremely painful. I dreaded feeding time.
Between the pain, depression, and lack of sleep, we switched to primarily bottle-feeding Amara. I still tried to nurse her, but she refused and cried, and I didn’t want to keep angering her. She also ate a full bottle after every attempted breastfeeding session, so I knew I wasn’t able to provide her with enough milk. I felt so ashamed. My body wasn’t doing what it was meant to. I had worked with multiple lactation consultants over several weeks, and it wasn’t working. I switched to pumping exclusively and was only pumping a few ounces a day. It was so defeating.
I tried nursing Amara again a few days ago and had some increase in supply, but not a consistent amount. I hope our journey will continue to improve in the coming weeks.
Overall, it has been an absolutely crazy month. I feel stretched to my limits emotionally, but I would do it all over again in a heartbeat. Holding my baby and doing everything in my power to make her feel safe and loved makes me so much more grateful for and connected to my mom. I finally understand the tremendous sacrifices mothers make.
I can’t wait to see how Amara continues to grow and begin to develop her personality in the coming month, even if it means getting even less sleep and learning to compromise more.